


do you ever think about

by burstaffinity



Series: because i love jolly ranchers [3]
Category: Xenoblade Chronicles
Genre: M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29100132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burstaffinity/pseuds/burstaffinity
Summary: Who he is, what he is, how long he's lived -- what he remembers?
Relationships: Alvis/Shulk (Xenoblade Chronicles)
Series: because i love jolly ranchers [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2193516
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	do you ever think about

**Author's Note:**

> hello! :3

How does it make me feel?

Do you want to know the truth?

I try not to think about it.

Of course making him happy makes me feel good. Everyone wants to make their partner happy, don’t they? But making _Alvis_ , specifically, happy… well, do _you_ ever think about what that means? Do you really understand who and what Alvis is? And to know you make someone like that _happy…_ you, of all the people and creatures in the world…

That’s why I try not to think about it. But sometimes it’s hard not to. And… it’s overwhelming, yes, but it makes me think. That I should keep doing it. That I should keep making him happy, for all the reasons that make thinking about it feel so overwhelming.

The time we’ve spent together must feel like a second to him. A blink of an eye. I don’t really know how old he is. I wonder if even he knows that. Even though he’s a machine, his memory isn’t pitch-perfect, you know. There’s things he’s forgotten, things he’s struggling to remember. But that… isn’t the point. I think. Or is it?

He’s an ancient piece of technology—with a personality, a heart. Feelings. Memories. So many he can’t recall them all. Or doesn’t want to. Or they’ve been taken from him. Can you imagine, not being able to remember something important? You can _feel_ its importance weighing down on you—or as Alvis says, see it in the mirror. The reason why his hair and eyes are gray. He doesn’t remember why, he only knows it was a choice he made for… some reason.

Or what if the memories that came to you far too easily were the bad ones? Memories that hit you as you were going about your day. Memories that freeze you in your tracks. A lot of people have those kinds of memories because of the war. _I_ have those kinds of memories. And so does Alvis—thousands and thousands of years of painful memories ready to haunt him at a second’s notice. So many people he couldn’t help. So many people he had to watch die. So much destruction that Zanza caused using Alvis’s power. Can you imagine? Of course you can’t. You don’t want to.

Alvis shouldn’t have to suffer that, either. But he was forced into that life. He didn’t have a choice. He’s resigned himself to always being haunted by those memories. Ages ago, before this world was created, Zanza removed important memories from him. Alvis hadn’t been conscious for long back then, so it was easy for him to do. Well, that, and Zanza probably didn’t care what impact deleting those memories had on Alvis. Thousands of years later… where would we even begin figuring out what ought to be deleted? What impact would that have? Alvis… has resigned himself to struggle at the hands of his memories.

But then, sometimes, when he’s struggling with a bad memory, and I’m by his side telling him I’m with him, he’ll collect himself, squeeze my hand… and smile at me. He isn’t… “better”, if by “better” you mean he’s forgotten everything that hurt him. He still has those memories. He’s still going to hurt from them. But I… just by being there, I can help him feel a little bit better. Give him that little push he needs to not be so overwhelmed.

And do you… think about it? Do you really? Do you think about what that means? Because… sometimes I do. Sometimes I think about all those memories he’s had, all those years he’s lived, all that pain he’s endured, all the people he’s lost. All the people he’s met. And somehow, someway, this little man who looks too much like his old boss… makes him _happy_.

I can’t even begin to describe how that makes me feel... but knowing even a gesture as small as holding his hand brings him a little bit of peace makes me think, that I should keep at it. And I’m going to.

Alvis, I can’t erase your memories. I can’t make you forget all the horrible things that have happened. But I can bring you a little bit of happiness. And maybe… that’s enough.


End file.
